when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
