Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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