why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
