She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
