I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
