It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
