But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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