Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
