Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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