i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Even my vagina gasped.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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