I can text with my tongue
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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