she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
