the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
zippers are such a cool invention
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
