it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
