I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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