You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I need moral support for this bender
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
