So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
