The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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