you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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