I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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