mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
