New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
