My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
