got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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