Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
