I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
