Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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