I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
