Me too!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
