I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
