They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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