My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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