I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
