i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
