the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
