Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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