Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
