i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
