You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
