Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
