At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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