We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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