Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
