so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
