I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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