I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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