Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
