I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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