dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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