Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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