I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
