I got chris browned last night
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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